ARTICLE

Changing Teenager's Behavior--The Cell Phone

We parents know that most teenagers are wired to their electronic devices--computers, Play Stations, X Boxes, or cell phones. Talking on cell phones is ubiquitous. Texting each other during school hours is endemic and has replaced passing notes between classes. It used to be
that only doctors had pagers and cell phones. Now, pagers are obsolete and everyone has a cell phone, and that is not much of an exaggeration, at least in developed nations. From the teenager's perspective, no one who is anyone doesn't have one.

Of course, your teenage wants a cell phone, and according to his or her perspective, will suffer much social stigma should s/he be "deprived" of one. Your task, as the parent, is not to hold your teenager back; rather, to give him or her the tools to succeed, again, recognizing that the limits of having tools are set by need, circumstances and your teenager's maturity. The immediate questions I hear from parents, are "At what age should a kid have a cell phone?" I often also hear the question, "Should s/he have one?") "How much should we spend?""How long can s/he talk on it per day?" "What constitutes abuse?""What other conditions have to be met in order to get one?""What happens if we say 'No?'" The short answer to the above questions is, "when you teen is ready." The longer answer involves discussing the details.

Some kids need a cell phone earlier, if for example, they are latchkey kids and need to be more or less immediately or predictably available by phone to a working parent. If this teen is responsible enough to manage going straight home after school and calling Mom or Dad at work to let them know s/he has safely arrived, then probably this teenager can be trusted with a cell phone. Or, put another way, if necessity mandates the teen have some communication device, the parent and teenager w ill have to work out all the contingencies to make functional meeting that need. The reality of being safe pressures both parent and teen to accommodate other circumstances, like being home alone with a cell phone when other teenagers are also out of school and likely chatting away (instead of doing homework).

At the other extreme are the teens who do not need cell phones for any other reason than to fit in with peers. "Everyone" has one and "everyone" talks all the time, and "everyone" texts, etc. "Therefore" I need a cell phone, or so goes the argument. Teenager's social and peer needs peak during these critical development years, and modern technology has given them a way to socially network that has never been extant before. Both the pressures to interact this way and the consequences of not are now much more extreme, especially amongst teens. (One psychologist dryly commented that the more communication devices teenagers posses, the less they communicate with their parents.) Not surprisingly, the ramifications for inclusion or exclusion from social gatherings also have increased, and cell phone interaction is at the hub of this interactive wheel. I'm not saying the cell phone is THE thing necessary to be popular, but it seems that without one, it is much harder to compete with those who are "in." (The age-old have vs. have-nots argument has invaded the realm of cell phones.) This cell phone need is typical of teenagers who have a lot going for them, either monetarily from parents, or from natural looks or personality or brains. These teens do well and use the cell phone to commemorate their triumphs, big or small, immediate or delayed, social, academic or personal. If this teen succeeds at getting good grades, avoids the usual pitfalls of being a teen (alcohol, drug use, or excessive sexuality), then parents usually grant use of a cell phone, justifying it with acknowledgment of his or her successes. Parents say their teen is doing very well, "therefore" a cell phone is allowed. As long as successes keep piling up--good grades, clean rooms, good driving records (for older teenagers), the more likely the teenager can keep his or her cell phone.

Most teenagers fall in the middle between these two extremes. Most teens do not have stellar grades and seldom clean their rooms. Most teenagers talk back to their parents, pick on their younger siblings and often do not cooperate. What about these teens? Here's when judgment and deal making interface. Remember, at this age, teens are sort of adult-like but sometimes more child-like, alternating between the two poles. Sometimes teens cooperate; sometimes they are obstreperous. Sometimes parents will back up and the teen will advance in maturity and privilege. Sometimes teens regress and the parents retrench, resulting in backwards progress--loss of privilege, status with peers, etc. I call this back and forth movement, "The Dance."

Parents want teenagers to "shape up" and know that rewards shape behavior. Remember, at this age parents can't give kids stars on a chart or easily send them to their room. But, teenagers have needs that adults can meet, like cell phones, being taxied to and from events, getting money, being allowed to stay out longer at social functions. These are the "things" parents use to bargain for better behavior. Not surprisingly, when teenager's needs are highest, they are most responsive to bribes and other parental "manipulation." (For example, a very concrete approach to controlling teen "talk time" is to have them pay for their own cell phone bill, AND work for that money. This does not obviate conforming to other household expectations.)

This is part of a series of articles on teens and specific issues. Read the other articles on teens and curfew, teens and grades or just read the ebook on teens for the whole presentation.

-Dr. Griggs

The article on this webpage is a small sample of the overall number of articles this author has written.   For more information and access to all the articles available by this author, click on the “200+ Articles” button in the menu section of this or any other page on this website (menu buttons are on the upper left of each page).   Each article is written for public consumption, to provide information related to but not necessarily covered in the author’s ebooks.  These articles, whether proffered on this website or through Article Directories or Blogs, are not meant to be a substitute for psychotherapy or mental health treatment of any kind. This and all articles by this author can be reproduced, as long as credit is given to Steven T. Griggs, Ph.D., A PSYCHOLOGICAL CORPORATION, who is solely responsible for the contents.

Disclaimer: Ads are selected by Google and are placed on this website for marketing and other purposes. The owner of this website does not accept responsibility for the content of the Ads, nor for the experiences of parties following their links or partaking of their services.